Thursday, October 16, 2008

A Vote For Obama is a Vote For Civility

A Vote For Obama is a Vote For Civility

A Special Guest Commentary for Undecided Voters
by Those Two Smirking Hipster Assholes in 'Sarah Palin is a C---' t shirts

Hi undecided voters! Yes, we know what you're probably thinking: "hey, it's those two smirking hipster assholes in the 'Sarah Palin Is a C---' t shirts." We also realize that you probably find our brand of narcissistic street theater loathsome and tedious. In fact, we're pretty sure that after eight years of putting up with our shit, you're just about fed up with the screeching tantrums, and inane Bush-is-Hitler art installations, and incessant firehose of profane hate-vomit. Who wouldn't? No rational human being could be blamed for wanting us to just shut the fuck up, finish our bottled water, and go away. Luckily, there's an easy way you can make that happen: vote for Barack Obama.

Think about it. With Barack Obama in office, assholes like us will fade into a distant unpleasant memory. Don't get us wrong, we'll still be hanging around, probably as junior staffers in some federal arts agency. But you have our word on it -- we'll be practically invisible. No more C-word t shirts, no more intersection blockades, no more vandalism until the next election cycle. Nosirree, we'll be timid and well-behaved and quiet as church mice, working away on grant proposals. We think you will also be pleased to know that under Obama, negative news stories and the steady flow of shitty anti-American war movies will virtually disappear overnight.

We know what you're thinking -- "that sounds awesome, but what about the angry right wingers? Won't they suddenly start storming congressional hearings and vandalizing military recruiting stations? Won't they start producing Obama assassination fantasy plays at the local college?" Don't worry, as members of the incoming Administration, we will identify any potential troublemakers and prosecute them to the full extent of President Obama's new civility laws. And with the re-establishment of the Fairness Doctrine, you won't have to worry about accidentally tuning into right wing hate radio.

But it's a democracy, so by all means feel free to vote for McCain. But don't forget what we're capable of. Do you really think we'll give it a rest? Do you really think we've pegged our ugly-o-meter? Hey, friend-o, you ain't seen nothin' yet. With the kind of free time we've got, you'd be totally amazed at the kind of crap we can come up with. If you think the Bush stuff was disturbing, wait 'til you see our four year Palin Plan. It won't let up, because frankly, we enjoy this sort of thing. Dude, we get freakin' college credit for it. And it won't just be us -- it'll be the media, the blogs, Hollywood, that asshole at work who's always emailing you Bush monkey photoshops.

Do you really want that on your conscience? The choice is all up to you. Four more relentless 120-decibel years of us pelting Bristol and Trig with bags of feces -- or the sweet, intoxicating tranquility that awaits under an Obama Administration. We're sure you'll agree that a couple thou in new taxes is a small price for that kind of peace of mind. So remember when you go to the polls this November: a vote for Obama is a vote for civility.

And by the way, sorry for being such assholes. As the computer guys say: it's not a bug, it's a feature.

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