Tuesday, May 27, 2008

iowahawk: Dear Barry

'Dear Barry' is always finding ways to help people. What a wonderful guy!

iowahawk: Dear Barry: "Dear Barry:

I love my wife, but frankly sometimes 'Michelle' doesn't have the greatest social graces. I am a VP at a large industrial corporation and in line for a major promotion, so last weekend I invited the CEO and his wife to our house for dinner and cocktails. I was worried that Michelle might cause a scene, so before hand I reminded her over and over again how important it was that she make a good impression. When they showed up at the house, right after introductions, my CEO said, 'you must be very proud of your husband.' So Michelle says, 'and you must be very embarrassed it took you stupid assholes four years to offer us a promotion.'

And that was just the first uncomfortable silence. When Maria (our housemaid) was serving the salad course, she accidentally dropped a plate and Michelle started screaming at her. Then she looked at my boss and said, 'sorry, it's impossible to hire anybody but idiots on the lousy $400,000 salary you cheap bastards pay us.' Throughout dinner Michelle continued hectoring my boss about how screwed up my company is, and too obsessed with profits, and how she and I were going to fix all that, and why everyone probably should all drop out of the corporate world and become artists. To top it all off, during dessert she brought out her black velvet paintings of Che Guevara.

Anyway, this week at work my CEO hasn't returned any of my emails or phone messages. What should I do to get back on the career ladder?

Mortified in Lake Forest

Dear Mortified:

First off, you need to stop treating "Michelle" as a liability. In fact, thanks to a little thing called the Americans With Disabilities Act, she could be your "ace in the hole"! Fire off an email to your CEO announcing that "Michelle" is diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome, and if you get passed over for the promotion he will be looking down the barrel of a fat federal civil rights lawsuit. After you move up to that corner office, you can say thanks to "Michelle" by appointing her head of the corporate diversity outreach department. "

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